“Do you share the same sense of defeat? Have you realized all the things you’ll never be?” The lead singer of Against Me! sang these words in the chorus of “Ache with Me,” a cut from their 2010 album White Crosses. These lines would become more significant in the four years between its release and their follow-up album, 2014’s Transgender Dysphoria Blues.
Laura Jane Grace came out as a transgender woman in 2012, recontextualizing many older Against Me! lyrics, such as the second verse from 2007’s “The Ocean,” which starts with, “If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman/ My mother once told me she would have named me Laura.”
Transgender Dysphoria Blues means a lot to many people: a brutally honest punk ripper that wrestles with the artist’s feelings about being trans. It isn’t just an album about that, however, also dealing with the dissolution of her marriage. According to Grace’s memoir, released in 2016, their divorce was largely caused by her transition. As Transgender Dysphoria Blues tackles existing in a world not made for her, she delves into the pain of the sun setting on a once-affirming love.
The connection between these two themes is made immediately apparent on the album’s opening title track. The verses feature explicit depictions of gender dysphoria, while the pre-chorus sweeps in with the agony of not being seen as you wish to be viewed: “You want them to see you like they see every other girl/ They just see a f*****.” The chorus is where the real hurt is hidden. Grace repeats, “Rough surf on the coast/ I wish I could’ve spent the whole day alone,” several times before adding the phrase, “with you.” In the face of all this suffering and unacceptance, she just wants companionship.
This concept of desiring affection is brought up throughout the album, such as on the banger that is “Unconditional Love,” in which she repeats over a thumping punk anthem: “Even if your love was unconditional/ It still wouldn’t be enough to save me.” This is ultimately a mute point, because it is conditional.
Nowhere on the album is the loss of this relationship more starkly depicted than on “FUCKMYLIFE666.” The verses see her again mixing her feelings of dysphoria with the pain of growing apart from her wife, while the chorus sees the cruel culmination of this realization: “All things made to be destroyed/ All moments meant to pass.” The futility of the situation is fully realized at the end of the tune with, “This too will soon slip out of reach/ This too will soon come to an end.” This cut is the saddest on the album, but features one of the catchiest riffs of their entire catalog.
Even moments of joy on the album are marred with bleakness. “Two Coffins,” dedicated to her daughter, sees an acceptance of the mantra presented in “FUCKMYLIFE666,” finding peace in the notion that everything ends. It is also macabre, ultimately leading to death. With that said, “How lucky I ever was to see/ The way that you smiled at me,” just may be the most beautiful moment in Against Me!’s discography.
Many of the tracks on the album deal with a broader sense of trans suffering, such as one of the album’s singles: “True Trans Soul Rebel.” This song deals with the sense of directionlessness that many people experience in the early days of transition. There is a sentiment of being unable to scale a wall to a better life. Attitudes like those presented here raise questions about the pros and cons of having this be one of the most recognizable albums of the transgender musical canon.
The album depicts trans existence as a harsh one. Many songs contain references to self-harm, and the penultimate “Paralyitc States” details a suicide due to the inescapability of dysphoria. Many people relate to these sensibilities, but critics argue that having them at the forefront of the discussion may be unhelpful. What does it say that the poster child for trans music portrays trans existence as one of bitter pain?
Fortunately, things do get better for many, many people. But the early-transition days and years can be a time of darkness. This is important to give voice to, especially in a genre as forceful as punk. Transgender Dysphoria Blues offers a place for the pain to go.
By bringing a trans voice to the forefront of music, Grace caused an explosion of openness over the past decade, especially in pop music, DIY, and emo. Artists like rapper Backxwash and the band Home Is Where explore their experiences as trans people in a variety of ways, but the way they speak about the experience has grown from the desolation of Transgender Dysphoria Blues.
Instead, when exploring the negatives they tend to offer frustration rather than self-harm (Laura Les’ “how to dress as human”), or self-love when examining neutrality or positivity (SOPHIE’s “Immaterial”). As the discourse shifted over the past decade, it is impossible not to wonder how Grace’s feelings about the subject have changed as well, especially as she has recently remarried. Her upcoming new solo album may offer insight into this.
Transgender Dysphoria Blues took a specific form of pain and turned it into a defining piece of art that has stood the test of time. It gave a group receiving little attention a place at the table, and allowed for future trans artists to speak on a wider range of emotions and topics, whether it had to do with their status or not. Grace’s work here, in spite of its agony, was a bright spot. Both upon its release and today, it allows a community to feel less alone.
